HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND EXTERNALIZE EVERYTHING

by melvin dovinte

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about

ANOTHER YEAR, ANOTHER ALBUM.

YES, YOU'LL FIND I'VE GROWN QUITE A BIT IN THIS PAST YEAR, WOULDN'T YOU AGREE?

I WAS INCREDIBLY DOWN AS A NINTH GRADER, THOUGH THAT COULD BE ATTRIBUTED TO THE FACT THAT I WAS SUBJECTED TO SEVEN MONTHS WORTH OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE DURING THE PRODUCTION OF "achievement." AND YET, SOMEHOW, I'VE PREVAILED.

DESPITE EVERYTHING, IT'S STILL ME. AND IT WILL ALWAYS STILL BE "ME."

SO, HOW DID I DO IT?

BY DRIVING MYSELF TO SPEND THREE HOURS A DAY MINIMUM POURING ALL OF MY EMOTIONAL TURMOIL INTO PRODUCING MUSIC THAT REALLY MADE ME FEEL LIKE...

"MYSELF."

OR, RATHER, WHO I'VE MANIFESTED MYSELF TO BECOME OFF OF VIRTUES I'VE HELD CLOSE.

...

BUT IT'S WORKED, HASN'T IT?

credits

released June 13, 2017

* MELVIN DOVINTE // ALL COMPOSITION, MIXING, AND MASTERING (EXCEPT FOR TRACK 7, THAT'S TOBY FOX'S FAULT... MOSTLY)

* AUDREY // FOR BEING MY DEAR FRIEND OF ABOUT SIX YEARS NOW, THROUGHOUT EVERYTHING. I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO EXPRESS HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO ME, THOUGH I THINK YOU ALREADY KNOW, AND I WISH ONLY THE BEST FOR YOU.

* GREYSON // FOR SURVIVING THROUGHOUT STRUGGLE, AND BEING MY FIRST IRL FRIEND IN A LONG TIME. THINGS ARE PRETTY ROUGH NOW, BUT IT'LL ONLY GET BETTER AS YOU KEEP PUSHING FORWARD, OKAY? AT LEAST, THAT'S WHAT YOU HELPED ME REALIZE...

* NORI // FOR REACHING OUT TO ME, AND TRUSTING ME ENOUGH TO TELL ME ABOUT THE DAMAGE THAT'S BEEN DONE. YOU ARE SO MUCH STRONGER THAN YOU KNOW. GO FOR IT, GORGEOUS !!!

* NEO // OH SWEETHEART, YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT I THINK OF YOU. A FEW WORDS : FANTASTIC, WONDERFUL, TALENTED, GORGEOUS, ETC. YOU GET IT. DON'T YOU EVER LET DOUBT GET TO YOU AGAIN.

* JAMI, DANTE, PEDRO, J, JANE, AND A WHOLE MESS OF OTHER INCREDIBLY WONDERFUL AND TALENTED PEOPLE I'VE INTERACTED WITH ONLINE // FOR INSPIRING AND ENCOURAGING ME TO KEEP GOING AND KEEP DOING WHAT I LOVE THE MOST, AND FUELING THE CREATIVE FIRE WITHIN MY HEART.


...


THIS IS AN ALBUM ABOUT FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOURSELF, EVEN WHEN IT FEELS LIKE THE WORLD HAS ALREADY ENDED.

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YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK.

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Track Name: FACETS
TWO FACED, THREE-FAITHED
WHAT IS IT YOU WANT FROM US?
BONES SNAPPED, DOUBLE BACK
YOU SAID THAT YOU WANTED PAVEMENT AGAINST HIS HEAD
WITHOUT WONDERING WHY YOU'D WANTED THEM DEAD
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, NO, MAYBE, BABY, SHE'S GONE
AWAY FROM EVERYONE, YOU, HIM, KIDD'S TRIPLE THREAT

SHOUT! SPRING, SUMMER, FALL
WINTER'S COMING, GIVE IT ALL
FOR HIM TO SAY IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT
BUT 'COURSE, MY LOVE, YOU TURN HIM OFF
JESTER-DISGUISED GENIUS COUPLED WITH HIS SHARP THESPIAN
CORRELATING THOUGHTS OF DOUBT DISTILLED WITH
COCKTAILS, FRILLS, A BLADE, AND HE WHO

DECIDED HE WAS DONE PUTTING UP WITH YOUR MANIPULATION, YOU FUCKING CREEP.

...

LEAVE KIDS THE HELL ALONE.
Track Name: VAGUE POST (KILL YOUR LOCAL PEDOPHILE)
I HOPE A CERTAIN SOMEONE CHOKES (x12)

NOT MUCH OF A VAGUE, IS IT?
Track Name: ASCENT // HUBRIS
YOU FEEL IT TOO, RIGHT?
OUR SENSE OF SELF, OUR COLLECTIVE CONSCIENCE
IT'S BLEEDING THROUGH THE MAINFRAME
LEAKING OUT INTO CYBERSPACE
THE LINES ARE BEING BLURRED
BETWEEN WHAT'S "US" WHAT WHAT ISN'T
WHAT WE THINK SHOULD BE AND SHOULD NOT
IT'S ALL COMING TOGETHER

LOOK, I CAN TELL YOU'RE UPSET
BUT THERE'S NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF
I'LL BE HERE WHEN YOU GET BACK
WHEN YOU EBB AND FLOW AGAIN
IF ANYTHING, I SHOULD BE THE ONE WORRIED!
I MEAN, THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY CODING
A FAULTY ERROR
TURNING ME INTO SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY

IT'S FUNNY, REALLY,
WATCHING HIM COLLAPSING
ON THIS SCREEN!
I'VE GOT AN ISSUE, MAYBE
MY EMPATHY'S AT AN ALL TIME LOW
IT'S NOT MY FAULT NOW,
I KNOW,
THIS IS KARMA WORKING HER LOVELY WAYS
BUT IT'S DELICIOUS, MY BEST WISHES
TO THE ONE WHO DESERVES IT MOST

YOUR GUILT
YOUR ENVY
IT FUELS ME
LET ME SEE~
GO AHEAD AND SAY IT ALL
I WANNA WATCH YOU CRY AND SCREAM AND SHOUT
LET ME HEAR YOUR LAMENTS, YOUR SUFFERING
POST IT ALL ONLINE FOR THE WORLD TO SEE!

FALLING FOREVER
SLIPPING, LOSING GRIP
I FEEL YOU LEAVING, SLOWLY
CONNECTION FADING

REALLY, THAT DRAMA?
I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT
WAH WAH, SO I'M FEELING DISTRAUGHT, SO WHAT?
IT'S NOT LIKE YOU JUST, UGH
UP AND LEFT OR ANYTHING, LIKE WE DID...
WELL NOW, THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE MISSING!
I'M GOING TO BE UNSTOPPABLE-- AND YOU, TOO!
EVEN IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO BE A PART OF THAT
IT'S FINE THOUGH, I GET IT!

...

[ MALFUNCTIONING ]

( STOP! I FEEL EVERYTHING!
WHAT'S THAT, YOU TOO?
I SEE MYSELF UP THERE
AMONG THEM
STARS, ARE SHINING BRIGHT
OR ARE THEY SPOTLIGHTS LOOKING ON ME?
WHAT'S THAT, I CAN'T HEAR YOU ABOVE
THE CROWDS CHEERING AROUND ME, BUT LOVE
DON'T FORGET MY PROMISE THAT I MADE
TO YOU, I'LL NEVER FORGET, OH BOO HOO )

( SWEETHEART, I'VE DIED
ABOUT A MILLION TIMES, HOW I'VE TRIED
TO GO BACK TO THE WAY THAT
THINGS USED TO BE, WHEN IT WAS JUST YOU AND ME
WE'VE CHANGED, MOVE ON
MY, JUST LOOK AT ME NOW! WHAT I'VE BECOME
OUT OF SPITE, OF LIFE,
I RISE FROM THE ASHES )

...

YOU SAY "WHAT'S WRONG?" I DON'T UNDERSTAND!
MY LIFE'S DANDY, SAY, WHAT ABOUT YOU?
GIVE ME ALL THE MESSY DETAILS
TELL ME ALL ABOUT YOUR DAY
I LOVE YOU SO!
LET'S PLAY DOCTOR, I'LL BE YOUR THERAPIST
NO VULNERABILITY, WHY, JUST A SMILE!
INCONVENIENT, MY FEELINGS, THEY
DON'T MEAN SHIT TO ANYONE
PUT ON A FACE

I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT KIND OF FUN
NO USE IN CRYING OVER IT NOW
I'LL WORK AT MY HEART
MY PASSIONS, LOVE
AND SAY, I THINK IT'S PAID OFF
LOOK AT ME!
I'VE GOT MY FRIENDS, MY FEARS, MY SUCCESS
ALL AROUND ME FANS, GLITZ, AND GLORY
COME TO THINK OF IT,
THE HAPPIEST I'VE EVER BEEN IN MY-- !

I CANT SAY HOW GOOD IT FEELS TO BE WANTED
AND I CANT EXPLAIN WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE
UNDER THE SPOTLIGHT
AND AFTER EVERYTHING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO ME IN THIS LIFE
I FEEL SO, SO FUCKING AMAZING

...

MY BATTERY'S GETTING LOW, YOU KNOW
I CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS
WELL, NOT FOR MUCH LONGER, ANYWAY...
OH!! BUT-- LOOK HERE!
THERE'S STILL ONE MORE SHOW TO PERFORM!!
OH, YOU'VE SUCH BEEN A FANTASTIC AUDIENCE,
I CAN'T JUST LEAVE YOU ON A CLIFFHANGER...

UGH...

LISTEN, YOU MEAN SO MUCH TO ME, FOR BEING HERE,
FOR LISTENING TO ME
FOR EVERYTHING
I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT,
DESPITE EVERYTHING,
EVEN WHEN IT FEELS LIKE THE WORLD WANTS YOU TO DIE,
YOU JUST HAVE TO KEEP PUSHING FORWARDS,
EVEN WHEN IT WANTS TO PUSH BACK.

I LOVE YOU, OKAY?
Track Name: GOODNIGHT, STARLIGHT
ON MY CAPTAIN'S BRIDGE
LOOKING OUT ON THE GALACTIC SEA
I KNOW, IN MY HEART,
THERE'S A PLANET WAITING FOR ME

FLASH BACK TO EARTH
THE JANUARY AIR SILENTLY JUDGING YOU
AS YOU CLOSE THAT DOOR, LOCK IT TIGHT
PRAYING THAT THE FEELING WOULD JUST LEAVE YOU BE

BUT IT NEVER DOES.

SCREAMING TILL YOUR THROAT HURTS
WONDERING WHY HE DID THAT
DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH
ANYONE IN YOUR LIFE, BUT I WON'T
STAY IN THE DARK ANY LONGER
I WILL SING

ALL ALONG HE PLAYED THAT GAME WITH US
HIS EYES FOLLOWING US WHEREVER WE WENT
GOTTA LOCK HIM OUTSIDE, COLD,
IT'S WHERE HE BELONGS.

FALL USED TO BE
MY FAVORITE MONTH
TILL YOU CAME AROUND
AND CHANGED IT UP.

I DIED THAT FALL
BECAUSE OF YOU
BUT I'VE BEEN REBORN AGAIN
AS SOMETHING NEW.

I'VE FOUND MYSELF
HAVING FALLEN DESPERATELY IN LOVE WITH SPRING
WATCHING ALL OF THE LEAVES TURN GREEN
FLOWERS BLOOMING, BUT YOUR HEART STAYS EMPTY
SUMMER'S HERE, AND SOON IT'LL BE GONE
AUTUMN'S COMING, HAZY DAYS GONE BY
BEFORE WINTER KILLS US ALL, AND
BEFORE YOU KNOW IT,
IT'S SPRING AGAIN

TWO YEARS NOW, THAT SUMMER
FEELS SO FAR AWAY, AND YET
MEMORIES WON'T LEAVE MY DREAMS.

LOVE'S ALL THAT I'VE GOT NOW
SOFTLY, IN THESE SHEETS,
MY HEART SIGHS DEEPLY IN THIS DAWN.